Emotional Time

What a range of emotions today!  On the non-serious side, I had therapy this morning and then went to Evansville.  My stitches were taken out and I got a good report.  It feels soooo good to have those things out, my wrist had been itching like crazy.  I'm much happier now :)  I even got to have a grown up lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time.  What a treat for me!

Both boys are almost back to normal.  They both still have runny noses and Eli has a cough, but they're both so much better.  Zachary finally got to go to school for the first time since before Christmas.  He took a long nap this afternoon, not used to getting up early anymore I guess! 

Eli is a master at crawling & pulling up to his feet.  He's really quite the character.  He loves making us laugh and is full of surprises.  The other day he climbed the stairs (9 steps!!!) without any problems.  The farthest he'd gone before was two steps, so we didn't expect nine.  His appetite is getting much better too.  Hopefully he'll be over the last of his cold in the next few days. 

The past two nights have been very emotional.  Eli's heart surgery was one year ago today, Jan 10 (although it's almost midnight so it'll probably be the 11th by the time I post this).  Putting him to bed last night was really hard.  I kept thinking back to the night before his surgery.  Bryan & I didn't sleep at all.  We were so scared he wouldn't make it through the operation; the surgeon said there was a 30% chance he would not. 

Normally if you hear there's a 70% chance of something, it's pretty good odds.  A farmer loves a 70% chance of rain in the summer.  Anyone would love a 70% chance of winning the lottery.  Most people can appreciate a 70% chance of snow at Christmas.   A 70% chance your 11 week old son will live is not good enough.  It was the absolute worst night of our lives. 

We were also told to expect that he would be on a heart-lung bypass machine IF he made it through surgery.  Our baby made it out of the operating room and was NOT on the machine.  His chest incision had been left open for several different reasons.  It was covered with a clear dressing.  When we finally got to see him, we just stared at his little chest, rhythmically rising & falling, rising & falling, rising & falling.  Even with the incision, it was the most beautiful sight. 

I couldn't sleep tonight.  I keep reliving all those events and emotions of last January.  Last night, I cried a lot while putting him to bed.  It was hard to let go of him, even for the night.  I lost count of how many times I crept back in to watch him sleep.  The number of tears I shed last night is a small fraction of the tears I shed 365 nights ago.  Tonight, I keep going back to check him, but I'm not as overwhelmed with emotion as I was last night.  Tonight I can remember more of the happier moments, I'm not as focused on the fear.  The future is still scary, but even if I could look into a crystal ball, I wouldn't do it.  We just have to take things as they come and trust in His plan.  I knew that before last January, but I REALLY believe it now. 

Last night, while I rocked Eli & cried, he just stared at me with those big, brown eyes.  His little hand touched the tears on my cheek and he smiled at me.  He & I have had many bonding moments over the past two years (yes, almost two years; he lived in my belly for 9 months!).  Some were the normal mommy & newborn moments.  Too many have been in the hospital setting, but last night was one of the most special so far:  As I was giving thanks for Every Little Beat of his heart, I realized that you just haven't lived until your baby plays with your tears of gratitude.